Yesterday was Father´s Day, and I don´t know how to feel.
I’m not sad, but neither and am I happy, I just feel kind of empty.
‘Cause I have a father, but it´s been such a long time since I last saw him;
since I last had a conversation with him that…, sometimes I feel like I don’t have him.
We used to have good times, right?
There used to be a time when you were my hero; when you were my confidant, my best pal, my secret bearer.
Nowadays, when we do talk, I cannot help but think that I don’t know the man in front of me and, he doesn’t know me.
And a part of me can’t help but wonder if we ever did.
Did you ever know me? Did I ever know you?
How did we get to this point?
When did you stop reaching out? When did I get tired of trying to get your attention?
Am I a bad daughter ’cause I can no longer look at your face and pretend I believe all your lies?
Am I a bad daughter ’cause I can no longer pretend I don´t hear you lying on the phone, pretending you are alone? ‘Cause I can no longer bear you leaving me aside for something that interests you more?
Trying to remember the good times, ‘
cause there were good times, right?
I tried to remind myself how I felt each Father’s Day.
I was excited, I’m pretty sure, anxious for you to see my present.
Thrilled to spend the day with you, and sometimes disappointed ’cause you wouldn’t spend all the day with us.
‘Cause you would always receive a call and leave us behind.
This year I didn’t buy you a present, I didn’t wait at my phone for you to call me and tell me when we could meet and spend some time together.
This year, I didn’t even send you a message you wouldn’t answer ’til the next day, I didn’t make the phone call I knew you would let go to voice mail and only return hours later.
And for that, I feel bad.
‘Cause I should have done it.
‘Cause you’re still my dad.
‘Cause we did have our good times.
And ’cause even though most of the time I don’t know how I feel about you.
I loved that dad, I loved the dad who told me stories, who listened to me, who took me on to adventures, who did everything he could to give me what I needed or wanted, who took me to my first concert.
So here is to that dad who meant the world to me, and whom real or not I really miss.
GGS 